Decisions made with love.

I find that when it comes to love, I never truly give my all, I give most of me, but never all. Out of fear that I would in the end, have nothing left for me. The little I do not give was` sacred to me.. My little sense of peace, of faith that if my investments were in vain that I'd have enough strength remaining in me that wasn't tampered with that would be my anchor. That would somehow repay me, rebuild me, with enough strength that would allow me to find the love I need & deserve elsewhere. Especially if it wasn't where I initially thought it was and long formed an attachment that it would be. 

I never knew then, but for a long time I have been practicing self preservation, for a long time I was making sure that I had enough left in me to rebuild myself so I would not be spiritually destitute. Unconsciously I knew if I gave away all my love I would have nothing left to give, especially not for myself. But along my journey I learned all you need is a little love, because love is life, like water if enough is preserved you can use it to survive. & that's exactly what I did every time the illusions subsided and I concluded "This isn't the love of my life." "This isn't my one true love." 

Which if you've been here you know is an extremely difficult conclusion to commit to, especially If they are not willing to accept your reality and believe they can be the one you want them to be.

& even more difficult if you actually see them try. & then more difficult if you realize that after every try, they feel a little more less and less worthy of you, because what they're trying to be for you.... is not actually true but it's just a phase to present to you, to keep you. 


It's so hard to walk away from someone you love, from someone who's trying. But it takes a lot of strength to be honest with yourself about where that person is on their journey and exactly how much healing and spiritual development they would need to undergo before being the person you need and not only the person you want. See you'll always have wants they flow, they come and go. But your NEEDS are a makeup of who you are. much like you need water and food to survive. A need is something that is constant, a necessity for your survival, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Each and every one of these areas needs to be met to ensure that your evolution in life will continue and not stagnate at some point are another in the relationship. 

I've gained a lot of experience and wisdom through being fully present in my relationships and In that I learned how rare it was to find a partner as equally if not more present than I was. I realized in most of my relationships my partners depended on me way more than I ever depended on them, not because I didn't want to but because I truly had no need to, in those areas I depended on myself.

 I didn't need their every opinion to make decisions, I barely needed their opinions on choices that they weren't included in, I didn't need them to constantly compliment me or do anything else to make me feel good about myself, I simply wasn't codependent upon them to be balanced in my life. & because of this I feel that lead to them only diving deeper into their insecurities, then they became even more dependent on me to prove that they were valuable to me, to prove things that were already there, like my love, care, consideration. 

They even went out of their way to create circumstances and situations where I'd have to fight for them, to reveal deeper parts of me that I knew they didn't deserve just so they could see how much I cared and valued them. But again I never gave to much to the point where id lose grasp of myself... and to be honest sometimes it felt like that was their desire. In fact years later they actually confirmed this to be a fact but that's a topic for another blog. 

See in their eyes I was the one to blame for our relationships not working out. Why you may ask? because I had morals, values and love for myself. In their opinion all I had to do was go with their flow and we would've been successful. But that's a delusion they concocted because had I gone with their flows I would've been absolutely lost and living in utter discontent and frankly hell because they were not meeting my needs, sure they satisfied most of my wants but my needs were deeply and insensitively neglected as if I had none and only they did.

 I met their needs and requirement as a woman and a potential wife and to them that was perfect to them I gave them peace and a sense of heaven. But what about me? I was the only one caring enough about myself to recognize every ache and every pain that came with every moment of neglect. So being the only one who truly and utterly cared about me... I had to make sacrifices. 

It took me long periods of time, sometimes even years to learn to let go of overwatered roots while mine were dying of thirst. But I learned to pull back more and more, saving a little bit of that water for myself. I wasn't only saving myself but them too.. Even though they may not see it that way, but I was teaching them a lesson about giving and receiving, a lesson about LOVE, what it means to have it and what it means to sacrifice it. See even though I was sacrificing them for myself, they were also sacrificing me for themselves the entire time they were putting their wants and needs before mine and making sure it was uphold while they felt absolutely no necessity to uphold mine. While I was choosing us, they were choosing them and that wasn't an easy realization to come to because it showed me I was the one holding the relationship together thus I knew I was the one truly in control and held the key to breaking it apart. So I did, to free myself from the shackles of not feeling good enough for reciprocity a blessing I knew I more than deserved. 

I never sought revenge for my time or investments wasted. Why you may ask? I remained focused on my gaol from the beginning, my dream, my needs from the beginning. I am looking for my ONE TRUE LOVE, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. & if they weren't him why waste anymore time trying to get back the time I wasted? I'm not foolish enough to waste my time x4.

 The time people spent seeking revenge is the time I spend mending and rebuilding the parts of me I lost staying in situations that my leave was long overdue. I hurt myself and now it was time to heal myself, which takes time and investments, and whole lot of grieving and acceptance but especially faith that there is more waiting for you once you're back on your feet. You can live on more even through the loss, losing is not the end. It's just another checkpoint, a toll booth we may call it until our ultimate destination. & some of us are just willing to travel a lot further than other's if it ensures we won't settle for less than every single thing God has planned out for us. 

Besides "REVENGE" is an off route path. One that directs you right off Gods path and straight onto the devil's. & once you're on the devils paths that's not the easiest to get off of, the roads almost like quicksand, gotta have a whole lot of strength, determination, tenacity & faith to reroute to your fate and not the destiny you've chosen for yourself. The devils path is one always filled with bad karma.

Now, to conclude I would like to share that I don't just ghost people after concluding they're no longer meant for me or equally yoked. I always, I ALWAYS disclose to them why we would not work out and why we are not equally yoked and I truly wish them well on their journey forward and hope they find the woman for them. I don't do anything to leave anyone suspended or anchoring on me, thats just demonic to me. I love them in the beginning and I loved them in the end. So I sent them off with all the love and patience I have for them left in my heart.

Finally we are all connected

so always remember. 

TO:

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